In a world . . . where a woman can be publicly shamed for her private sex life . . .
Yes, we still live in this world. (click “Episode Six” for the audio recording of this blog post)
A world where women are shamed for being sexual. This is still a messed up world, but I’ve decided to stop talking about the past. It no longer feels right to me to go on telling you all the salacious details of sex work and trauma. Telling my story was super helpful (initially) to get it out and to bring into light what had caused me so much shame.
I’m free of the shame now. And what feels good to me in this moment is to tell you how I healed. Right now I want to focus on the good. I don’t want to trigger others. I don’t want to feel the hormones of stress just by thought alone, by thinking and thinking about all he horrible things that happened to me.
I’m ready to let it go. And do you know what helped me the most to arrive at this healing moment? I bet you can’t guess. Talk therapy definitely helped. Therapeutic body work and energy healing helped. But do you know what really worked to crumble the armor that PTSD built around me? Magic Mushrooms. Psilocybin. Drugs.
Not pharmaceuticals—and I was on a boatload of those: for anxiety, depression, crippling PTSD. And do you know how those legal drugs made me feel? Numb. Tired. More anxious and more depressed somehow. The list of side affects are numerous, including feeling MORE depressed and even suicidal.
We’ve been sold a lie about drugs. Look, I was able to create this podcast because of a fungus that grows on cow paddies. A couple of years ago I couldn’t even talk about my traumatic past without bursting into tears. I could barely leave the house. I walked around in a prison of shame. PTSD symptoms kept me afraid of everything—noises, open spaces, other people. I was afraid to walk down the street or in the park because I thought the person who harassed me would try to run me over.
Now, After two years of microdosing magic mushrooms, I am a new person. I have even found forgiveness. Forgiveness for the people who have abused me. Forgiveness for myself.
Plant medicine saved me. Maybe you’re thinking, “mmm, I dunno, Jerene, aren’t drugs bad? Just say no. The government makes things illegal for a reason, right? “
Well, You know what? There are good drugs and bad drugs. Drugs that make you rob your grandma and neglect your kids are bad, aka cocaine, opioids, heroin, meth, crack, even alcohol.
Drugs that make you want to be a better person and make you see the oneness in all creatures are good. aka psilocybin, DMT, LSD, ayahuasca, peyote. We’ll talk more about different kinds of drugs and how I used magic mushrooms in the REPAIR section.
This episode is a lesson in two parts. We’re skipping the REVEAL section, possibly indefinitely. But definitely for now. I’m not saying I won’t come back to it. For now we’re shelving it. We’ll focus on the REPAIR section, where I tell you how I healed from PTSD, and finally the RELAX section, a guided meditation to help calm your mind.
Take a moment to check in with yourself before listening. If you don’t feel safe emotionally or physically or if you are in the company of minors or anyone else who may be offended by sexual content or references to trauma or drugs, please pause this recording and begin when you are ready to receive this message.
Horticulture
Now it’s time for this episode’s horticulture section, where I read from a book about how women should behave. In honor of one of my favorite authors, Dorothy Parker, who when asked to use the word horticulture in a sentence, said, you can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think.” She also said, “The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”
In keeping with the drug theme this episode, I’m reading from the script of the movie, Reefer Madness, a movie that tries to tell everyone how to behave. A ridiculous movie—in the public domain. Because they failed to file the proper copyright, because back in 1936, you couldn’t really steal movies and play them anywhere, so there was no point I guess, but little did they know . . . . that 35 years later in the early 70’s the founder of NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws) would find a copy at the library and would start showing it on college campuses to raise money for the cause and it became a cult classic.
And let me tell you this movie deserves that status because it is so horrendously wrong and also so so outrageously overacted. Back when movies were like plays with a lot inane pointless small-talky dialogue.
But this play is interspersed with random acts of violence. There is so much rape and murder in this movie! And all because of weed. They tried to scare us against a plant our civilization has been using for millennia . . . and they do a super terrible job at it.
The movie starts with a scrolling message—a caveat auditor—written in elaborate big ‘ole curly script font like a ouija board.
The motion picture you are
about to witness may startle you.
It would not have been possible
otherwise, to sufficiently
emphasize the frightful toll of the
new drug menace which is destroying
the youth of America in alarmingly
increasing numbers. Marihuana is
that drug -- a violent narcotic --
an unspeakable scourge -- The Real
Public Enemy Number One ! (mmmmm, I wonder where we hear this again 35 years later? mmmm,
Its first effect is sudden violent,
uncontrollable laughter, (I dunno, that doesn’t sound too terrible) then come dangerous hallucinations (um, do you like hallucinate a banana peel and then actually sip on it?)
space expands -- time slows down, almost
stands still.... fixed ideas come
next, conjuring up monstrous
extravagances
-- followed by emotional
disturbances, the total inability
to direct thoughts, the loss of all
power to resist physical emotions
leading finally to acts of shocking
violence ... ending often in
incurable insanity.
In picturing its soul- destroying
effects no attempt was made to
equivocate. The scenes and
incidents, while fictionized for
the purposes of this story, are
based upon actual research into the
results of Marihuana addiction. If
their stark reality will make you
think, will make you aware that
something must be done to wipe out
this ghastly menace, then the
picture will not have failed in its
purpose.
Because the dread Marihuana may be
reaching forth next for your son or
daughter ...or yours ... or YOURS!
(sigh)
Don’t watch this movie. Also, don’t believe this nonsense. The same government who told you to eat 6-11 servings of grains because we had a surplus of grains, the same government that tells you to drink milk to be healthy, even though about only 30 percent of the population actually can—has the enzymes to digest it, is the same government that claims hallucinogenic plants —magic mushrooms, cannabis, LSD—are highly addictive with no redeeming healing benefits . . .meanwhile the same government holds patents on the therapeutic use of cannabis.
The same government that claims that zanax and klonapin and Valium are not likely to be addictive. (whisper) Is is just me or is it super weird that the government wants to tell you what you put in your mouth?
Also, kind seems like these fake pyramids and schedules have more to do with where the money is coming from than what is actually healthful for a person.
You get to decide what you eat, what you drugs or plant medicines you think are best for you, based on your own research, based on anecdotal evidence from people you trust.
So stay tuned for the REPAIR section, where I tell you my personal story of how I have been microdosing magic mushrooms.
This has been the horticulture section, putting the culture into the whore, one book, or one horrible film at a time.
Can we talk about how horrible the film is again? The people smoke weed and laugh maniacally like they’re demon-possessed. Weed doesn’t do that.
These characters look like they’re smoking PCP wrapped in meth sprinkled with crack.
Smoking weed does not make you hyper and evil. It makes you not want to fight wars. That’s why it’s demonized. Also jazz musicians. Also Mexicans. That’s why it’s demonized.
Weed does not make you murder. It makes you chill, Don’t believe the hype. Ok, I gotta go so I can get ready to tell you about shrooms.
Repair
In this episodes’ Repair section, I tell you how I microdose magic mushrooms, or psilocybin cubensis.
In the summer of 2018 I started taking small amounts of psilocybin in the morning with my coffee. I knew a guy, who knew a guy, who sold mushrooms baked into little chocolates about the size of a girl scout cookie—it looked just like a thin mint wrapped in tin foil.
So I divided the cookie into 6ths. I ate a tiny piece of chocolate —about the size of a piece of the pie in a Trivial Pursuit game—in the morning with my Bulletproof coffee for two days in a row, and then took a day off on the third day.
Here’s what I noticed initially: I felt happy. I would catch myself sighing with happiness when I thought of how lucky I am to be alive, when I thought of my friends and family. I had energy out the wazoo. I could clean and organize for hours. I became more productive. I had the focus to complete tasks that I had put off before.
It’s like suddenly I have the power to complete tasks. I’m all, how did I not just DO these things before. Like, what was so hard about this? I think this newfound productivity came from two things: One, because I had limitless energy and alertness and focus, and two, because I was less self-conscious.
Can you imagine what that would be like? So with less social anxiety . . . I could make a phone call without blushing. I could ask for what I needed at the deli counter without feeling embarrassed. It’s like the barrier between me and another person started dissolving. It’s really hard to explain, and I bet harder to measure in a clinical setting, but from what I’ve heard, this is a universal sentiment.
My whole life I have given other people way too much power. I thought more highly of other people than I did myself. I thought they must be smarter, more competent, more confident than me. There’s something about taking mushrooms that levels the power dynamic.
It could be a couple things: Maybe it was my increase in self esteem or, maybe I could see other people for who they were—not better than me or worse than me—but just people like me, with the same desires and insecurities. This power shift helped me to be more present, be more open to connection with other people.
I think mushrooms also helped chip away at my perfectionism.
I used to be so afraid I would make a mistake. (I mean, I still am, but it’s not as crippling).
But before I was so afraid of what people would think of me I could barely return a phone call or write a blog post. Mushrooms make me take little baby chances, without worrying too much about the outcome.
Mushrooms give me the freedom to throw things at the wall and see what sticks. If I fail, cool, that’s part of the learning.
Mushrooms make me feel ok to be human—a flawed, insecure, decaying skin bag with all the same shit as all the other messy people.
I can be more honest now. I’m not afraid to be seen for who I am. I am a mess. And I am also perfect exactly as I am right this second. And so are you, my friend.
Now let me tell you about the physical effects I noticed: I slowly stopped craving sugar and alcohol and junk food. I started craving more healthy food—especially plants.
There’s something about eating this fungus that makes you want to eat more plants. It’s like there’s a secret subliminal message baked in their DNA. Because you notice trees too. You can’t believe how beautiful they are.
Let me read to you from my journal when I first started. Just to make sure I’m not putting a hazy filter on the past. Heres an entry from October 2018:
“I’ve been micro-dosing mushrooms for 3 months now. I can tell I’m a different person. I’m enjoying life, standing up for myself—which makes me enjoy people and life so much more. I have a higher tolerance for everything.”
Another entry says, “Mushrooms are making me more honest. I don’t care anymore what people think of me. It’s ok to admit weakness.”
This was a time when I was really working hard on myself. I was also meditating, and I know that helped a lot too. Meditation and micro-dosing hallucinogens go hand and hand because they both affect the same areas of the brain. (there’s a study on this I’ll put a link in the show notes)
So you may be wondering, surely there’s a downside.
Well, here’s what I think the cons are: If you are taking an SSRI, this particular type of antidepressant, there could be some interference. Mushrooms might not work as well.
Luckily I had weaned off pharmaceuticals with micro-dosing cannabis, so I was not on any medication other than birth control.
The biggest downside I can see is that you build up a tolerance and you’ll just need more and more to have the same effect. Which is expensive.
That’s why it’s important to take days off. It’s not like you take some, and an hour later want more. It’s not like cupcakes, where you just want more sugar the more you eat. It’s not a drug like that. It’s not like cocaine, where you do a line and then immediately want to find more cocaine. This drug has actually cured people from cocaine addiction! I’ll put a link to the study in the show notes. So take days off.
I’ve heard of people who take whole months off. Some people micro-dose for a 3-month period and then stop completely.
That’s not what I did. I have taken 0.1 to 1 gram several mornings a week. I’ve never tripped during this timeframe. I’ve only actually tripped once, back before all this trauma happened, and it was very light and fun, just a giggly few hours.
Sometimes when I go to concerts (not now obviously) but back in those magical days when you could hear live music and complain about people bumping into you while you’re jammin’, I took maybe 1-2 grams spread over a few hours. But then I was up all night. .25 grams in the morning is a good happy dose without any edge.
That’s the other con I notice. Noises seem a little louder, so a barking dog can feel a little more intense. Or the smell of the trash is stronger.
This is the flipside of the coin of: colors looking brighter and music sounding amazing, and your parter’s face looking somehow more beautiful, and your own face looking somehow more beautiful. I think mushrooms made me love myself more.
So yeah, Mushrooms saved my life.
Next episode, or maybe the one after that, I’ll tell you about another plant medicine I tried that helped me love and forgive myself and others . . . to the MAX.
Its nickname is the Spirit Molecule. So look out for that one. It will blow your mind.
Here’s the caveat: I’m telling you my story of how I healed. I’m not a doctor. I’m not giving medical advice.
I’m definitely not suggesting you do anything illegal.
Lucky for me psilocybin is in the first stage of decriminalization in my city. DC and Portland will be this November. You can’t put this cat back in the bag.
People are getting free from addiction, from pain—emotional and physical. If there’s a way to cut the chains of slavery to nicotine and alcohol, don’t be surprised when it’s suppressed and demonized. Put on fake schedules. Fake wars waged.
All I know is I’m a happier person because of this fungus. I’m more connected, more spiritual, more healthy, more productive, more grateful. And I am so so grateful. Thank you, magic mushrooms. Thank you for healing me.